我不说你也该知道。”“这么长时间了有话就

  在这篇文章中,Deborah Tannen讨论了维持两性关系的沟通的重要性。我们经常会遇到这种情况,尝试沟通,却惊讶的从失败的对话中发现摇摇欲坠的关系。作者探讨交流失败的根源,将男性女性之间的差异归为文化差异,以及在亲密关系中两性对于交流的不同需求。

  我们常说一定要找一个能聊下去的伴侣,这也就是说,两性关系始终需要保持有效沟通,了解这一点,并掌握彼此的心理趋势,可以让交流更加顺畅。

  If you want to be understood without saying what you mean explicitly in words, you must convey meaning somewhere else—in how words are spoken, or by metamessages. Thus it stands to reason that women are often more attuned than men to the metamessages of talk. When women surmise meaning in this way, it seems mysterious to men, who call it “women’s intuition” (if they think it’s right) or “reading things in” (if they think it’s wrong). Indeed, it could be wrong, since metamessages are not on record. And even if it is right, there is still the question of scale: How significance are the metamessages that are there?

  假如你希望无需清晰的表达就能够被理解,你就必须通过别的途径传达你的用意,比如变换表达方式,或通过言外之意。所以,女人比男人更适应交谈中的言外之意就是理所当然的了。我不说你也该知道。”“这么长时间了有话就该直接说。” 男女关键对话当女人用这种方式来猜测含义的时候,男人会觉得难以理解,称它为“女人的直觉”(如果他们认同的话),或“强行臆测”(如果他们不认同的话)。的确,她们的猜测有可能是错的,因为言外之意并没有确切根据。即便它是正确的,那还有一个适用范围的问题:言外之意在这里有多大的意义呢?

  言外之意是一种间接的表达方式。女人更愿意选择这种方式,并试图通过协商达成一致。理解这种偏好的另外一种方式是,协商允许团结的展示,而女人宁可展示权力(即便目的或许相同:得到所需)。不幸的是,获取权力与团结的方式相同:刻意谈话去创造团结的方式,同时也会影响形成权力差异。当女人认为自己在表现友善时,她们常常以显示顺从、对自身与所需缺乏信心来收场。

  When styles differ, misunderstandings are always rife. As their different styles create misunderstandings, women and men try to clear them up by talking things out. These pitfalls are compounded in talks between men and women because they have different ways of going about talking things out, and different assumptions about the signifcance of going about it.

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